Guilt

When one is blessed with a child with specials needs, the blessings is not so clear in the beginning. Guilt becomes a big issue, as one thinks if she had not had that drink before she knew she was pregnant, or ate that food, or was exposed to whatever...it really does not matter, as guilt raises it ugly head over your mind and tells you it must have been something you did. And when guilt is not there to bug you, then there are those individuals who must have been born to some evil person, who add to the guilt. Such as a local pediatrician who told me his version of why Peter was not growing. That would be I had three children, I probably really did not want a third child, and I play tennis. Obviously, he failed the class in Social Interaction 101 in Med School. There is some justice as this doctor is no longer practicing pediatrics and I have forgiven him for his lack of insight or diarrhea of the month. The guilt was also fostered by the team of doctors at a local Children's Hospital that could not find their way into Peter's room after he was tagged as "Failure to Thrive". Did you know that "Failure to Thrive" in the 80"s meant "bad mother who cannot feed her kid". I could hear the residence standing outside the door, one after one, excuing themselfs from this case. We sat, no one came, I begged, no one came. Like the open window I mentioned earlier, at discharge in walks a nurse who was walking in my shoes, and sent Peter and I in the right direction, down the road to Madison and the Waismann Center. Her name was Jane, and I will never forget her, for if it wasn't for her, the week stay at the hospital would have been for naught and the guilt factor would have become unbearable. So thank you Jane...you were like an angel that day. I guess that is why I have a special place in my heart for nurses. Afterall, nurses, are the ones who really know!
So, life and guilt continued for quite awhile until a test confirmed that Peter had some funky genetic disorder and was placed in a study group of children like him. Guilt, I carried it with me for a long time. The guilt subsided, as the acceptance of this special gift tookover. Peter was not something I created by a mistake, but God created as a gift. Just took me awhile to figure it out.